Yet more misogynistic porn masquerading as erotica. There's no plot to dissect, which saves me time and effort, and yet I can't find it within me to be grateful. Probably because I had to read textual vomit like this:
Kirk walked over and inserted his manlyness into the quivering wettness of the communications officer. He pumped and pumped untill Uhura began to moan unknowingly. She began to say Kirk's name over and over again "James, Ohhhhhh James, harder deeper keep it comming love baby!"
Who's on First?
I've seen some pointless shit in my time, but this takes the cake. Imagine Abbot and Costello's "Who's on First?" routine in script form. Now cross out Abbot and Costello and write in Kirk and Spock instead. Why? Good Question!
Spock: Yes Captain. As I said, Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
Kirk: You know the fellows' names?
Kirk: Well, then who's playin' first.
Spock: That is correct.
As bad as the stories we review are, at least they're original. This plagiarized waste of time hasn't even got that going for it.
Tasteless Sarek Story by Rocky [NC17]
An accurately titled story in which Sarek is raped on his death bed. I'm assuming it's supposed to be a humorous tale, and I'll quote you an example of the author's wit so that you may judge for yourself.
Suddenly, I felt his anal muscles start to spasm, and I knew his end (pardon the pun) was near
It's not exactly Oscar Wilde is it?
The Ends of the Universe... and Beyond by Margaret
Proving that not all bad poems are written about Deep Space Nine, this sad little disaster is short and sour. It's fifty percent cry for attention, fifty percent homage to McCoy, and one hundred percent crap. Sample verse:
One day watching the news
Seeing that old bones do die
With the tears held back, block up the lachrymal tear duct
For the elegant pipeline
Would surely betray me
And a flood of salt-water would show
I still pine for the ends of the universe
Origin of the Telepathic Children Invaders by Kattz [NC17]
One prime indicator that you might have stumbled across a godawful story is when the author has absolutely no idea of the names of regular Star Trek characters. In this story we have Ulhura instead of Uhura. We also have that El Cheapo plot device of aliens forcing the crew to have wild sex, for no other reason than the author wanted to see the crew have wild sex and couldn't think of a plausible way to achieve that goal. Unfortunately, the sex scenes are grotesque instead of arousing.
Captain Kirk started to call Spock's name but couldn't because of the intrusion of a tongue. Eventually Spock retrived his tongue and started ripping off the clothes of his desire.
Captain Kirk managed to get an arm free and hit Spock in the face. It only seemed to intensify Spock's clothes ripping efforts. Kirk hit him again and called out.
Surely I can't be the only one who finds that disgusting?
(NOTE: This story has been edited since it was reviewed)
Carole by Syl Francis
James Kirk loves Carole. I mean, he really, really loves Carole. He must, because he tells her this in nearly every paragraph of this Regency Romance story. Alas, although Carole loves him too she cannot bring herself to marry him, thus allowing the author to leave the two characters weeping at the end of the story. And weeping in the middle. Because he loves her, he really, really loves her.
If you've ever wondered what people are talking about when they say "chicks with dicks", this story should make it crystal clear.
Outward Bound by Paul Yarlett
This is an odd little tale in which nothing at all happens. It's all set up and no pay off. Luckily for us, the run on sentences are entertaining enough in their own right, and often unintentionally hilarious.
Standing in the centre of the hangar watching the hordes of crew heading away on foot or by transporter she felt the butterflies in her stomach, 5 years away from Earth, and in the company of Peter Davidson everyday, he was a strange one, tall, and handsome.
No prizes for guessing who the Marty Stu character is either. He's a strange one, much like the story he stars in.
Keep Earth Human by Judy Gale
"Judy" is living on Vulcan, eight months pregnant with twins and happily married to Spock (gag) when three humans burst into her home and try to deprogram her and abort the babies. They don't like Vulcans, get it? No, me neither. This story has the hallmarks of nearly every godawful Trek fic: the tense changes constantly, often in mid sentence, and the heroine is a Mary Sue (named after the author for god's sake!). As an added bonus the deprogramming scenes are blatantly plagiarized from A Clockwork Orange. It's worth noting that the author has written well over 60 stories. And she stars in all of them.
Whales (author unknown)
Thinking of taking a vacation to the beautiful Pacific Northwest? Then have I got the story for you! Well, OK, it's less of a story and more of a travel guide really. What little story there is is only there as an excuse to give us, the readers, a street-by-street, island-by-island slide show of the greater Washington State area. Unfortunately, the author's passion for Seattle and its surrounds makes for a hell of a boring "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" for those of us not similarly obsessed.
The Adventure of the Vulcan Detective by Terry Endres
Spock, while on shore leave, is dragged out of a bar by the local Police. Apparently they figure he'd be a really good detective and so they draft him (huh?). Just shoot me now. This looks like a case of An Author Who Has Been Reading Too Many "Hardy Boys" Mysteries, Watson.